Our Frozen Embryo

It doesn’t seem fair that you existed in this world for 5 days, but we pressed the pause button.

We have frozen you in a moment in time, but we don’t get to meet you for a while yet.

You are known as the power of life, but we pay $60 a month to keep you just so.  It’s such a small cost in comparison.

You made it against all odds to grow strong, to be the strongest as you could in just 5 days, but we needed you to wait a while whilst my body repaired itself.

It’s been two years of knowing you, but we don’t know what the colour of your hair is meant to be, whose eyes you are meant to have, whether you have your father’s smarts or your mother’s craziness.

Will your sister ever get to play with you?  What do we tell her if you don’t get to play together? ….And if you do, how do we tell her that you have been in this world longer than her? It’s a mind blowing thought.

How can we ever make a decision not to meet you?  How do we make a decision instead that would result in us giving you to some researcher that will never think of you in the way that we do.  How do we make a decision that you are better off not with us?

I tell myself that you sing to yourself ‘The cold never bothered me anyway….It’s hard to imagine you with your own personality.  Your own you.  But we try to keep it clinical because that’s how we can cope, but it’s hard to not let our minds wonder to happiness and completeness.

Your existence in itself is both awesome but a challenge.  I wish it wasn’t a challenge, but it’s not so simple.  I wish we could look into that magic crystal ball and it tell us that you will be fine, it will tell us that you will fight to be here with us and you will win. We will win. The world will win to have you with us.  It would tell us you are small but mighty.

Strides for hope 5K

Did you know that last week was National Infertility Awareness Week?  To raise money and awareness a local Fertility clinic organized a Resolve DIY walk of hope.

Some of our support group members manned the Resolve information table at the race!

Chris and I entered the 5k ‘race’ and walked with Aviana in the buggy.  Some of my local infertility support group members were there too with their little miracles and others who are in their wait. Honestly, it was a bit strange walking around with our little baby knowing we were amongst friends and many others who longed for a baby still.

Chris and I were near the back of the race pack and so we ended up alone having a deep conversation about child number two, sibling relationships, which country we want to live in, what to do with the our savings, our one frozen embryo, how to get pregnant again, our long infertility journey, risk of a future growth restricted baby, adoption and fostering to adopt. Phew. That was a lot. I won’t go into detail now about all of this, but let’s just say it was all deep given the purpose of the event we were participating in and I crossed the finish line with a few years in my eyes. Chris and I need to work through these conversations some more before we come up with a mutually agreed ‘plan’ for our family’s future. To sum up INFERTILITY SUCKS!

Overall, it was a great event, I caught up with some friends from the support group which was lovely. They managed to raise over $8000 for Resolve. 

And I wore my pineapple top and f*ck infertility socks. 

But as we left the race and headed home I turned to chris and said

 “I wish infertility would just do one”

Although it was a great event, I wish infertility awareness didn’t have to happen and I wouldn’t ever wish infertility upon even my worst enemy.

Chris and I starting the race – Baby’s gotta eat!!!