Last night after Chris read my blog post Chris told me the truth of the matter….we won’t ever be equal because of my work travels. And he is right. If I travel 8-10 times a year, some of these trips being 8 days long then I will struggle to make that up to be equal. Admittedly he will travel occasionally for work but it would be in the US and not transatlantic and for a few days at a time. Also, if he travels I have the leave to be able to travel with him (if he gets to go somewhere fun!!).
We have talked about this quite a bit recently and it’s going to be tough. It’s not exactly a holiday for me, but I will get a ‘break’ from parenting (except the huge guilt I will feel) and he won’t. We have a nanny once a week and maybe we can use her to help out Chris a bit more when I am away. Only time will tell how tough it really will be. Almost everyone else in my team has children and they survive. Just got to figure out how they do it well!
10 thoughts on “We will never be equal”
Well, no relationship is about making it equal. Its about being whole, doesn’t matter how much of the equation you contribute as long as its healthy and respected!
You guys have that covered, you do make a great team.. It wont be hard, you guys will make your own rules and things will fall into its pattern. Good luck 🙂
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Yes! Making it whole is what matters. I agree!!! I hope we can make it whole and I don’t leave a hole in the whole.
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I have to agree with mamalife. It will never be equal, it’s just not how it works. And honestly, it shouldn’t have to be equal. Just like any team, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and not everyone is built the same. Of course we are going to have bad days (or a string of them, like right now due to my current stomach problems), but what matters is how you both deal with those bad days.
My standard theory is that so long as you do what you can, when you can, it’ll be okay. And, in my marriage, that tends to work most of the time. And just from my view of your marriage, I suspect it’s the same. I think the real trick is how to let yourself be okay with your work travel and not being consumed by guilt – and if you figure that out, please let me know how you do it. 🙂
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I think you hit the nail on the head there…if one of us is purposefully slacking then that’s when it goes awry. I am not sure how I’m going to cope with that guilt of work travel and how it’s going to impact us. I know it’s something on Chris’s mind so it plays on mine a lot. I wrote about this a while a go. We’ve got to work at this and hopefully ‘practice will make perfect’ 🤔
I think equality doesn’t have to mean sameness. You both bring different things to the party. That’s why you’re a great partnership! It’s an interesting thought though. Not long ago I don’t even think men would’ve been expected to contribute much to parenting at all.
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It’s true I have high expectations of my man contributing to parenting but I guess that’s why we stuck together in the end. If we didn’t have similar ideas on parenting we probably wouldn’t have stuck it through all the infertility crap!
Oh absolutely! I find it weird how people seem to expect less of men when it comes to parenting. It hasn’t been like that for us so much because we’ve had shared parental leave. There is definitely something that comes from sticking through infertility I think!
This is the thing with parenting – you often end up feeling you aren’t doing anything well – the job, parenting, being a friend, a spouse, EVERYTHING. Balance is really tricky. As long as you find something that works for both of you equal per se doesn’t matter x
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BALANCE!! That’s the key word. I’m guessing some days I’m going to feel like crap at X,Y, Z and so will Chris. We just got to keep it all in balance not necessarily equal and when it isn’t balanced recognize it’s just temporary?? I don’t know… 😩
I can say our household will never be equal, as much as my husband jumps in and tries to do his fair share. Mon-Fri he works 70-80 hours. Sometimes he throws in a side job on Saturdays. It is literally impossible for us to have a perfect balance. To keep things smooth, I have to run the house and I have to be primary parent. The important thing is, we find the balance that works for us. You guys will too:)